


A Conversation

by MDF007



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A little, Angst, Friendship, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, Implied Relationships, M/M, Past Relationship(s), just like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 03:21:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14803434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MDF007/pseuds/MDF007
Summary: Remus and Sirius talk about what will become of their relationship now that Sirius is back.





	A Conversation

Sirius sat at the kitchen table staring into the steaming cup of tea which he held tightly in both hands. His leg bounced up and down nervously, and he hardly noticed Molly running around the kitchen preparing dinner or trying to talk to him as she did so.

Remus was coming to dinner tonight.

Remus and he hadn’t talked since Sirius was proven innocent and had come back to hide under the protection of the Order. They’d spoken to each other, of course. Told each other they had missed one another, that they were both forgiven, explained details of the next few months of hiding and planning. But they had not yet talked—about them, that was.

No one had ever known about Sirius and Remus’s secret relationship, which developed towards the end of their time at Hogwarts and flourished in the years following their graduation. They had been planning for some time to tell Lily and James, once Sirius decided he was ready to come out to his best friend, but then, of course, the unthinkable happened.

And now here they were, twelve years later, each having gone through hell and come out the other side, but neither had any idea where they stood with respect to the other. Sirius had no idea how Remus would feel—hell, he didn’t even know how he felt. And then, what if Remus had found someone else? Sirius had been locked in Azkaban this whole time, but Remus had been free. He could easily have found another one to call his love—he could even be married, for all Sirius knew.

The recently freed man sat at the table of 12 Grimmauld Place, stewing in his own thoughts. His head shot up immediately at the sound of a door opening and Remus, Moody, and Tonks entered the kitchen all at once. Tonks and Moody greeted Sirius before following Molly into the kitchen to help her finish dinner. Remus froze in the doorway as his eyes landed on Sirius’s. Sirius gave a small, cautious smile. Remus stared at him for a moment and then gave a tiny nod, so slight that anyone less familiar with Remus’s quirks would have missed it. But Sirius saw it, and he instantly knew what it meant. They would finally talk that night.

First, of course, there was the matter of dinner. For all but the two former lovers, dinner passed easily. For Sirius and Remus, it stretched on interminably. Both were uncharacteristically quiet (for Remus, this meant nearly silent), only speaking when asked a question directly, and even then, their responses came out clipped and stiff.

Finally, dinner was finished. Everyone set about helping Molly clean up, discussing Order business amongst other relevant news.

Sirius, however, looked meaningfully over at Remus before slipping quietly out of the room and climbing the stairs silently to his father’s old study. He sat down at the table and waited, not long, for Remus to trail in and sit opposite him.

Remus looked at him and finally gave him a small, sad sort of smile, which Sirius returned.

“So…” Sirius began, feeling uncharacteristically bashful. “I suppose its time we, you know…” he gestured between them vaguely, “hash things out—”

“I’ve missed you so much, Sirius.” Remus unexpectedly said. He spoke softly, yet firmly and earnestly, as if he had been considering his words for more than the few months Sirius’s name had been cleared.

Sirius looked at Remus in surprise, and his gaze softened. His heart physically ached as he looked at the man he had once loved so much. That he’d always love so much. “I’ve missed you too, Moony.” He gave Remus a lopsided grin, and Remus tried to hide his smile at the old nickname.

Remus’s face suddenly became serious again, and he forced himself to look Sirius in the eyes as he said, “But it’s been such a long time.”

Sirius felt his heart drop about 10 miles out of his chest, through his stomach, and into the ground. He felt stunned, like he’d had the wind knocked out of him. What an idiot he’d been, to think Remus could still love him after all this time. What an idiot he’d been to think that Remus hadn’t moved on from him in his absence.

“Of course.” The words came out of Sirius’s mouth choked, it didn’t sound like his own voice at all.

“Sirius—” Remus reached out and covered Sirius’s hand with his own. Sirius was too angry to accept this gesture. Not angry at Remus really, more angry at himself for living in denial for twelve years.

Sirius yanked his hand away. “It’s fine.” The words came out more sharply than he had intended and he coughed, embarrassed. He took a deep breath and forced them to come out more calmly this time. “It’s fine,” he repeated, “You don’t love me anymore. I understand.”

“I will always love you, Sirius.”

Sirius stopped and looked up in surprise once more at the uncharacteristic ferocity in Remus’s voice as he spoke. Remus was glaring at him so intently that Sirius had to look away. Remus reached out and tilted Sirius’s head back towards him, so they were staring at each other once more.

“That’s not what this is about.” Remus continued firmly. “It has nothing to do with me loving you or not, which I always, always will.”

Sirius nodded dumbly. He didn’t understand. If Remus still loved him, then why couldn’t they—

“It’s just been _so long_ Sirius. And—and so much has happened.” Remus shook his head sadly. “That’s a lot of time we need to rebuild. And to dive straight back into what we were—now, in the middle of this war—well, it’s not what’s best for anyone.”

“But I lov—”

“I know.” Remus cut off Sirius’s declaration before he could get too far. “But think about trying to figure out our new lives together right now. And what about Harry? He needs you right now much more than I do, Sirius.”

Sirius looked down guiltily at the mention of his godson. He hadn’t even thought about immediately being with Remus again might do to him. How he might feel neglected if Sirius’s world were to become consumed by Remus right now.

“You’re right.” Sirius said quietly at last. He willed the tears he felt glistening in his eyes back in, refusing to let them fall. “You’re right of course. Like always.” He smiled sadly and Remus returned the look.

“But when this is all over.” Sirius continued hopefully before Remus could speak again. “When this is all over, if we both make it out alive, what then?”

Remus looked thoughtful, as if he hadn’t considered this option. “When this is all over, if we both make it out alive… well, then I guess we’ll have to talk again.”

Sirius breathed out a sigh of relief he hadn’t realized he’d been holding in. That was enough for him right now. If he had hope to hold onto, that would be enough for now. He briefly allowed his mind to wander to the hopes of a happy new life—of living in a house with Remus and raising Harry together. Of finally fulfilling his promise to his dead best friend and finding happiness in a new family.

Remus pulled him out of his daydream by once more placing his hand on Sirius’s. Sirius was embarrassed to see in Remus’s expression that his fantasies had been plain on his face, but the other man made no mention of Sirius’s thoughts and gave no clue as to whether he too longed for such a life.

“No matter what,” Remus said softly, “I’m glad to have you back Sirius. So glad. You have—you have no idea how happy I am to have you back.”

“Oh yes I do.” Sirius whispered firmly, speaking rashly before he could think of the impact of his words. “Remus, don’t you know the thought of you was the only thing that got me through all those years in Azkaban. The memory of you was enough happiness to save my soul.”

Remus looked as if he didn’t know what to say to this. Sirius felt his heart swell painfully once more with love and sadness, relief and disappointment. Before he could stop himself, he leaned forward and pressed his lips softly to Remus’s. Neither one moved for the second before Sirius pulled away, but the warm familiarity was enough to knock the wind out of Remus and utter Sirius speechless. They stared at each other for a moment longer, both to dumbfounded too speak, and feeling as though no words could possibly convey what they were feeling anyway.

Finally, Remus gave Sirius a small nod that seemed to convey all he could bring himself to say at the moment. And with that he stood and left the room, leaving Sirius alone with his thoughts once more, his heart effectively shattered into a million pieces, yet feeling oddly healed. This time, though, he had hope. He had hope for a better life with Remus one day, and he had his best friend back.

And for now, that was enough.


End file.
